This really should be my personal catch phrase.

Nothing in my life ever goes according to my plan. I would love to be one of those people who has a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan, a 20 year plan, but no. Here I am Bee-boppin through my life, trying to pretend like I’m an adult.

Last week was… interesting. I had been sick for 2 weeks, and last week it really came to a head and I finally broke down and went to the doctor, I ended up missing 2 days of work at one job and 1 day at another. So my Theraflu didn’t go as planned and I ended up spending 2 days in bed sleeping.  Then I went someplace new and had my hair done….. thinking that change is good sometimes… The result was orange roots with weird highlights… after Round 1 of trying to have that “Not hot” mess fixed, I’m sitting here typing this with auburnish brown hair. But at least I HAVE hair, and for that I am truly blessed, but still … things didn’t go as planned. So it really wasn’t a BAD week, just not the one ” I planned”.

I turn 30 in two days. And part of me is basically freaking out because HELLO, I’m thirty! I didn’t think I’d ever see this age ( don’t ask me why), and after the first few years of my twenties, I realized that only because of Gods mercy I actually lived through some experiences. I’m not freaking out over being older, I’m freaking out over what I’m “Supposed” to have done by my age, and all the ways I haven’t done it.

I mean I have to say that the brink of a new era has me seriously freaked out. It’s okay to mess up BIG in your twenties, its expected even, but what if I mess up now?

I’ve had to make a career change, and I’m still in the middle of it. I am not in a stable relationship, I don’t own my own home, and I’m not even sure of where I want to live… I cant commit to a lease for a year…. how are people married and homeowners? What if I do something I cant un-do? What if I follow my heart and move, and someone I love dies without my getting to say goodbye? What if I make a mistake?

I know that death, that mistakes, that problems are inevitable. I know that no matter what I do, something is going to go wrong. I know that we are not in control. And I know that I personally know the one who is in control.

How can I look to God to help me with the next chapter? How can I possibly face what “Might” happen? How Do I get past the “What if’s”? How do I stop NEEDING to be in control?

After some reflection I’m starting to realize that through every single mess up  or mistake or whatever you want to call it, God was there. I was NOT in control, and ultimately, God used those life lessons to help me. Here are some examples:

Death of a loved one: It’s taken me a while, but I realized that God needed him more. And that regardless of the longevity of his life here, he touched so many people and was loved so much, and he’s still helping people and still close to their hearts, so it doesn’t matter that he’s no longer on earth, his years may have been shorter, but his contribution was greater than some who have lived 100 years.

Texas: I met people. I forged friendships on my own. I changed. Some experiences change us so drastically that there is no going back to the person we were before. Though its taken me a LONG time to see it, I became stronger, smarter, more self reliant, and more resilient because of that experience. I bonded with people and still hold those bonds, not because the past isn’t over for me, but because love knows no blood line and no miles.

Delaware: I truly struggle with this one. Why was a big question. Why did this happen to me? Why are some people like this? But this situation forced me to depend on others, which is something I struggled with doing. It caused me to see who would really be there when things got crazy. It showed me that the bond between a mother and her daughter is one of the strongest in the world. It also kind of opened my eyes to EXACTLY how much my mamma loves me. Her protection and strength during that time was something I can never repay. It also taught me that I have true sisters that have nothing to do with blood.

Those are just three of the many life lessons that I’ve been taught … But Ive realized that every experience, no matter how bad, led me to something wonderful. God turned every mess that I created into a message that could be used to help someone else.

When compared to some, my struggles are nothing, and I am blessed for that. I sometimes feel like a brat because my struggle is NOTHING next to other’s, but they are mine. And I’ll own them. And I will use them to build up ANYONE who needs it. I will use them to show someone who might be facing something similar, that there are people who can help you, who can teach you how to cope, who can sometimes do nothing but hold your hand and help you up.

So no matter what questions I have about the future, and regardless of how many times I mess up in the next ten years, no matter how many times things “don’t go as planned”, I will hold my head up, I will smile though whatever life hands me, and I will put my faith, my trust, and my fears, and most of all my hopes, in the hands of the one who is truly in control.

Thanks for reading, God bless, Jesus loves you and so do I,

Holly Lynn ❤

10003384_10103797562271819_1444430695513681953_n